I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
