ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i need an iv and a liver transplant
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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