Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
