just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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