guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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