is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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