I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
