did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
