I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
