I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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