I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
