Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
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i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
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God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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