Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
