nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
