I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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