I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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