Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
