Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
