i already hear my dad disowning me
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
