Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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