Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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