My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
