bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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