Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
