we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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