so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
