True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Randomize
