you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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