this beer tastes like vomit already
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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