im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
