I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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