3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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