you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
