So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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