i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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