I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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