i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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