he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
