so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
