listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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