every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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