You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
