So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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