You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
