The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
