I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
