so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
