well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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