Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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