Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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