Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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