Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
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This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
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Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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