got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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