The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize