I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
