she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
