He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
