I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
