He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
